hmmmm. so, it's been a while. ALOT has happened since i last wrote and if you actually know me then you will know this...if not then, well, i have no idea where to start. I kinda wish...scratch that, i DO wish, that i had kept a journal while i was in Alberta. well, i guess i did, but i was thinking something more public that can be shared...i'm not sure if feel like sharing anything i've written while i was out there. let me check...ok here is something:

 

May 31, 2007.

"The feeling of 'here', I would say, is similar to that which you get from Manitoulin, or any other like place. The east coast maybe? Hard to compare the east and west coasts. But it is the feeling of being in the mountains that compares. Is the word serenity appropriate? It is calming and I find myself wanting to use, on several occassions, the term 'God's Country', which is rather hilarious if you know me.

 

Now I've reloacted to the river and I am huddled inside my Becker's sweater and the brown balnket off my bed. The rapids are stronger than when we first got here. I will pretend to know why and say it is because with the warmer weather more of the glacier melts and increases the flow. Why is it really stronger? Who knows. Its truly an amazing thing to sit here and know that this water comes from glaciers. To be in the Rocky Mountains. It is amazing and inspriring. It will put you in your place. We are so small, so small. You will never see every inch of earth. There are still some places that man has never known. I wish I could be in one of those places; to feel what that is really like. I need to put on my slippers.

 

It is freezing down by the water, and yet I don't want to leave. It is a different feeling still. When I go back to the house Shelly and Yvette will be there and the magic will not."

 

July 12, 2007.

"I am sitting in the living room right now. John is playing the guitar and everyone else is sitting around. Classic Becker's night. Sitting with us are Crystal, Cory, Kristina & Mandy. I think Beth is calling Dave & everyone else has gone to see Transformers....again. ha. I can't say I blame them though. It was amazing.

 

I think Mandy is drawing. What an artistic bunch we are. ha ha.

 

It's so hot in here. Cory is now lying on the foor and we all feel like we are melting."

 

So really there's not much else in there that i would say is sharable lol. Consider yourselves priveleged to be reading any of it. Usually i let no one read what i write in my journal.

 

I am feeling pretty happy right now. Well, i actually don't know if happy is the appropriate word. i guess i could use content. i mean, things could be better. there are still some things that i want that arent looking too attainable at this point, but c'est la vie eh? i just finished a week from hell and that is my reason for my contentedness lol. wrote two exams and a test and handed in my essay prospectus which i had to do research for....which i'm sure to anyone who is in a year higher than first year university sounds like nothing. oh well. to me it sucked balls and i was a liiiittle stressed. ask chardey if you will. or anyone else who worked with me monday night lol. also, i have tomorrow off and i'm really looking forward to sleeping in. what are my plans for the afternoon? who the hell knows. beth is supposed to be calling me sometime but other than that i really couldn't tell ya.

 

as you can see, the title of this 'blog' is ups & downs. why? well, because that is precisely how i've been feeling. man oh man. life is pretty messed up sometimes. i had a pretty good day today so its been an up but who knows about tomorrow. i get thinking about school and all the different things i want to take and then i wonder if i'm doing the right thing and wonder where i'm going to get a job...and i mean geographical-wise. like, do i want to work internationally? i mean, of course i do but, will i want that forever? and how easy would it be to change out of that? i'm sure i wont want to be travelling around for the rest of my life...as a human i have the same innate desire as (mostly) everyone else to settle down and create roots. so of course i dont want to mess that up..but to tell you the truth it doesnt look like it will be happening for a while. this of course leads me to think about people. friends, family and the 'other' category ha ha ha. what about them? do i think too much? sometimes i think i do and then other times i wonder if i dont think enough lol. ugh.

 

oh life, what are you? how much longer can you even go on? when i think about all the bullshit that is going on the world it scares me. you try not to think about it i'm sure, or maybe you don't even know abou it....and maybe i'd be better off if i didnt know either. in fact, sometimes i'm sure i'd be better off. life would be much simpiler and therefore probably happier... but it might also be shorter. and i am determined that i will make a difference in some way...i just dont know how. i think my problem is that i dont focus on one issue. there are so many problems and it overwhelms me. i wish other people cared enough to do something about them as well. people say they care but do nothing. its depressing. look, i've talked myself into a down again. i think i might have some kind of emotional disorder lol.

 

oh well. i think that i am going to write personal things in my pretty book i bought in jasper. i miss jasper; i miss the people and that time in my life. i wasnt that long ago really but it still feels like forever.

 

this is one long-ass post.

 

<3 sandy.